The past year really hasn't been much different from the last 10 years. After my parents divorce, I really didn't see my dad that often. He had chosen a different life over that of his familys'. I really only saw him about once a year; sometimes not that often. However, since last November 8, I have thought of my dad almost every day.
Maybe because he was with us when he passed away.
We opened up our home to care for him the last weeks of his life. During this time, I got to know him more than I ever had. For those who knew him, you know he was not a man of many words. So few words, I spend much of my life wondering if he loved me. Some in this situation would have turned to other men, drugs, sex, or other dangerous ways to find love, but I was able to get through these tough years by realizing that I would know and experience love from the ultimate father... God.... Abba. Not to say there was not a deep hurt by the lack of relationship with my earthly father. I think there are issues that I still haven't completely dealt with. I no longer question my dad's love for me. We made peace in the best way we could. He told me he loved me and that he was proud of me. Isn't that what every child wants to know?
Even though the circumstances were not ideal, I am so thankful that we were able to give my dad a comfortable place and a loving home to spend his last days. He had a chance to see his granddaughter everyday. I think this probably brightened his spirits more than anything else. He was so proud of her. I was also able to see my husband in a way that I had never seen him. The hospice nurses joked with him about how good of a "nurse" he was! He took care of dad, physically, in ways that I had a hard time doing.
Dad and Elizabeth June 2009
I love you dad. You are missed.
Wow- we have so much in common, Erin, than you know! I'm so happy that you feel at peace now! That's a precious picture of both of them!
ReplyDeletep.s. - I can't remember if I told you yet that I love your new blog layout!
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written! I know about that wound that can heal, but leaves a scar. Where you at OC this Sunday? I loved what Lee Camp said about wounds and scars.
ReplyDeleteProud of your courage and ability to love despite the pain that was inflicted upon you through no fault of your own. I think the fact that he CHOSE YOU when he needed a place to rest at the end of his life, speaks VOLUMES (not in words, of course) about how he felt about you and how dearly he loved you!
That was beautifully written. I'm so proud of you and the woman you are. God could not have given me a more pure, compassionate, and lovely woman. You are loved....greatly.
ReplyDeleteErin, you and Daniel are such loving people and a great example to all! Your father was so blessed to have you for a daughter and being with your sweet family at the end had to be such a comfort to him. God Bless!
ReplyDeleteLove, Diana Devereaux
Thank you for sharing your heart! You are as Daniel said a pure, compassionate and lovely woman who has blessed us all. I am so glad you had that time with your dad and he was able to give you the gift of his words so you know how much he loved you and how proud he was of you...just looking at the home you have created for you, Daniel, and Elizabeth would make any Daddy proud! Love you!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this. I think most people underestimate the power an earthly father has on the self-esteem and self-worth of his daughter. Those fathers who find it hard or are unable to show their love with their words AND their actions AND thier time really are affecting every future relationship that the daughter has. Divorce is awful. Children need their fathers in the home. Even though my life is good now, I will forever be affected by my broken family that I had growing up. I Praise God that you sought and found the love of God to replace those things that had been missing from your Dad. I think God blessed you with some sort of closure and peace with your Dad because of the relationship you have with God Himself.
ReplyDeleteErin, You are precious! And not only in our eyes but in the eyes of God. You have a heart like Jesus and I can only imagine Daniel does too. You three were blessed to have helped your Dad through the last days of his life. You all will be blessed for giving of yourselves! Love you honey!!
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking of you, Erin. That was a very sweet post. You did an amazing thing to let him into your life and love him, forgive him & take care of him in the way that you did.
ReplyDeleteYour friend,
Paula